Updates On Life In General

[mervap]

I wondered the other day how many folks on this board have children...and realized I was due for a long post. Random, I know.....

Flash back to early 2010....LC and I have never been able to have our own kids, so we decided fostering and adopting would be a good way to go. The Sunday before my Mom passed, we told her that we were beginning our fostering classes the following Thursday...she was pleased as punch. With that in mind, we went ahead and began our classes on schedule....it was really tough, but she always told me that nothing good is ever as easy as it looks. Six weeks of classes, background checks and home inspections later, we got approved! Shortly thereafter, we recieved our first placement....

I should mention here that I cannot use any of the kid's real names or images, so I will call the first two Dana and Alan. Dana was 13 years old and Alan was 2 yrs old, sister and brother. They were a big part of our lives for about six months and taught us a great many things about kids....and ourselves. LC was the oldest kid in her family and got to be a part of her two brother's upbringing. I, however, was the youngest of three, so I had zero experience in child rearing. I likened this experience to getting out of a car....while it was moving along at 10 mph or so. You may be able to keep up for a few steps, but more likely you will fall down a lot. LC was a great trouper throughout, changing the diapers of the two yr. old while I played good cop to his older sister. After about 6 months, they got placed with their cousin and his wife and appear to have not suffered any great damage from our care. :)

During the time Dana and Alan spent with us, we got an e-mail from our caseworker about two kids that would be up for adoption soon, Tim and Helen. (again, not their real names) Tim was 12 years old and his sister was 8. The caseworker thought we would be a great fit for them...Tim loves music and Helen digs all the crafty stuff that LC likes. So we began some preliminary meet and greets with these kids and the fit was great! They came to live with us as fosters in December of last year and, barring any unforseen snafus, will be ours around the end of this year. This is something that all of us are looking forward to with great anticipation.

I said all that to say all this: Having these kids here has given me a greater appreciation of the kind of love and sacrifice that all good parents willingly give to their kids....and in return, you get the kind of love that can't really be described in words. When I go to work, I know what I do has a greater purpose than just a paycheck....I also get to model good adult behavior for some kids who might not have seen a lot of that. I also get the knowledge that my efforts might go far beyond just my lifetime....it's a great investment, I think.

I'd be interested to hear how some of the parents on this forum feel about parenting and the rewards (and headaches!) that go with it.

[chris]

first of all, great post. it was honest, revealing and not ordinarily something i would expect to see a man write. and i applaud you for that. and congratulations. a lifelong committment filled with treasures and surely a few speedbumps are bound to be in your future. try to enjoy them all. for it is over before you know. i don't give unsolicited parental advice. i think it is rude as hell. but i will offer you this... relish every moment.

i have three kids. 16, 15 and 10. and i truly believe that of all the things i have a skill at, this is certainly what i aspire to do the best at. know why? it's easy. want to be a good parent? love your kids. they don't expect you to be perfect (and you would be disappointed as hell to expect yourself to be perfect.) i do what my heart tells me to do. am i always right? who knows?...i never received the manual. time will tell if my decisions were the right ones. but if i believe in my decisions, and i explain them to my children, then they know why i do what i do.

and no two kids, even brothers and sisters, are the same, so it is okay (perhaps even nessessary) to treat them differently. i may have to explain why i do...but that is a small price to pay.

i grew up when it was not only okay for a parent to smack a kid when they misbehaved, but my friends parents would give a whack if i was acting like a tool at their house. here is where i say that in spite of that, i grew up okay. and i did. but i have never laid a hand on my kids. i will raise my voice if nessessary (which can probably be quite intinidating to a child) but i've never spanked, slapped, or hit any of my kids in any way. i also grew up in an era where my parents never told me they loved me. i knew they did, of course...but they never said it. i do. every day. and if i didn't say it, they would know by my actions.

i accept that while i grew up playing sports (baseball, football and basketball) every single moment of my spare time...my kids not only don't care that much about sports, they don't care to watch them with me. it took a while, but i got over that, it is their life, they should be free to choose their own interests. and i accept that fully. because in the long run, it really isn't about me...it's all about them. my daughter (16) is a junior in a excellent high school. and she is beginning to entertain thoughts of where to go to college. personally. i don't want her to leave the state. but know what i told her? i said if she has a chance to attend a college or university in florida, or california, or colorado...she should do it for she may not ever have a chance to travel there again. i have thought often about that conversation. and it still makes me sad.

i grow up in an era...and an area where there are many single parent households. and i am not judging anyone in any way. but you can usually tell a child who grew up with a dad in the house from one who did not. the fear of coming home and finding out that they dissappointed dad is a most useful tool in keeping kids straight and narrow. again, i have never raised my hand to any of them, and i never will, but the fear of getting in trouble, real trouble...is a most valuable asset.

i teach my kids that being themselves, being individuals...even if it means bring different from those around them, is not only okay, it is encouraged. there is such a cookie cutter mentality nowadays that everyone wants to look, talk and dress the same. thats fine...if it is what you want. but be yourself, and have fun doing it. let your freak flag fly is what i say (okay, i don't really say that, but you guys get my point)

kids aren't stupid. they know if you are ignoring them. they know if you are listening to them. and they know when they are loved. if you are going to raise children, do it the best that you can. because they know if you are really thinking about the ballgame.

we eat meals together. all five of us, every day. and we watch tv together. we are a family. at least our little version of one. when i was a teenager, the last thing i wanted to do was hand out with my parents. my kids have not yet echoed those sentiments. here is to the possibility that they never do. 

damn you, merv, writing this got me a little emotional. but i'm glad i did. and i am so glad for you and LC. you have a chance to make a difference. so go out there and do your best. because unlike so many inconsequential things we all seem to do all day long, being a parent really matters.

[2 of 3]

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is...I don't have any children

The good news is....I don't have any children in therapy.


I salute those of you that are parents.  I think you are awesome. 

[Kylenz]

I want children, I know I can be a great dad and make the sacrifices necessary to put children first. I wish I knew how to create the kind of magic to get a compatible person onboard with me to make it happen. I lost my unborn child back in 2008 and still don't know the truth of what happened, my ex lied to me about every aspect of our relationship. I cried several times when I watched 'The Lovely Bones' at the movies, feeling that my own daughter is watching over me from afar somewhere.

Then again, I wonder if I have done enough in my life to create that nest egg and security required to give them the best start possible. It's clear that I haven't. I never really imagined I'd be attractive enough to be in that kind of privileged position. I wish I could live my life over again, knowing the wisdom I have now.

I'd love to have kids, and a loving relationship. I just hope it isn't too late. :(

[Little Child]

It bears mentioning that although Merv had ZERO experience with raising a little one, he did quite well with Alan. He was out of work for the first 2 weeks after we got Dana and Alan and of course I had to work. I gave him a quick MOCK diaper changing lesson before I left for work that first morning after their placement... Merv just kind of went 'eeeh... eehhhh... uuuuuummmmm.. yeah..... I CAN do this!'. You should have heard his voice when he called me later exclaiming he had just changed his FIRST EVER dirty diaper.... all on his own! I was so proud of him!

Alan is a special needs child and to say he's a challenge is an understatement. DFCS rules state no popping, no spanking... ZERO corporal punishment tactics allowed. I grew up in a time when parents WERE allowed to spank and I got my fair share for being stupid. Granted I eventually learned my lesson by the time I was 10 and never received another from that point out, so you can well imagine, I'm NOT against a spanking or two when needed, but I obey the rules laid out for us. That said, there was little Alan would respond to when we had to correct him. He's a sweet baby but knows each and every button to push and he did so on a regular basis. He's large for his age (he appears to be  1-3 years older than he is according to his size) AND is incredibly strong for a little guy.

All that said, Merv did a fantastic job with his first toddler/2 year old. He did even better with Dana, who took to him rather quickly. She and I butted heads quite a bit but mostly over who was supposed to take care of her AND Alan specifically. Once we established those parameters, things smoothed out.

Now with Tim and Helen, it was almost like the minute we saw each other for the first time, we knew it was gonna be a good fit and we are all VERY close. My dad has even commented on how impressed he is with Merv's connection with both the kids... particularly  with Tim.  Do the kids have issues? What kid in foster care dosn't? Are they surmountable? You bet and we do everything within our power to help them overcome the turmoil they've been thru in their short lives. They are incredibly sweet kids.... frustrating to NO END, but what child isn't?

Thank you guys for the words of encouragement! It means a lot.

[chris]

it's funny. as time goes by kids take on little bits (at first) of your personality. but as time goes by you discover that you are the very template of whom they will become. nearly every trait, good and bad, is soaked in by the kids. i try not to swear around the kids. but i am not against letting the occasional explative fly when in the company of adults. problem is...you never know who might be listening.

as i have said, we eat meals together. we share off of each other's plate and drink from a "community" glass. one day we are eating sunday breakfast together. a big breakfast with all the trimmings. my son, then two and a half years old, reaches for the big glass of milk. it was completely full. he bumped the glass. and it toppled over. as milk began to spread across the kitchen table, we all just sat there and watched. it was as if it was happening in slow motion. it was only about four or five seconds, but it seemed like a minute. then, out of nowhere, my sweet, loving two and a half year old boy says, just loud enough for everyone at the table to hear, god damnit. at once i looked at my wife, she looked at me, silently, with daggers for eyes that quietly screamed, YOU SAY THAT! HE GOT THAT FROM YOU!. so i carefully explained to my son that those were grown up words said in grown up situations. he didn't even know what it meant.

the crumb leaving, milk spilling sponges that they are. 

[Greg]

Again I am just reading these great posts and learning...not much to really add at this point.

Kylenz I wish I could say or do something about the baby that you mentioned.  I just don't know what to even say. 

There's always someone out there who has the same desires and hopes as you.  There are more than a few people who want to find someone and raise kids.

I have two kids and try to balance wanting the best for them and wanting them to be happy with making sure that they see the other side of things.  I don't look back with pride or fondness on things that were given to me or expensive.  I look back at sharing a bike with my brother, just going into the woods and making our guns out of branches to play army, my son and I riding bikes to the gas station just to sit on the wall, watch the people, and eat our candy bars, etc. 

Hard times will come in my kids' lives.  I try to tell my teenager that.  It's ok.  It's inevitable.  Be sad.  Admit that it sucks.  Try to laugh at how screwed you are at that time.  Tell people that you're going through a hard time.  It's ok.

[lampie1970]

Merv, LC...congratulations!! From the bottom of my heart I am so so so happy for you! Please keep us posted.

I have gone through the MAPP classes in Florida for Foster/Adoption, but stopped short of the home inspection cause my doggie was going senile. I guess 6 months later, i may need to dust off my binder...after my brother and his family move out...lol

Speaking of that, I have never birthed a child, that's true. But parents do not have to be genetically related to their children. My adoptive father (by nature of definition) was not my birth father, but he meant more to me than my natural parents, even tho I know them. And I feel like with my brother's kids here, I definately get to exercise that muscle. I love my niece so so much, I can't even imagine loving a child more.

Parents, of any ilk, I applaud you all, you have my sincere admiration and a little bit of jealousy too ;)

[Greg]

But parents do not have to be genetically related to their children.

Oh how absolutely true.

[chris]

But parents do not have to be genetically related to their children.

no they absolutely do not. in one of my favorite movie quotes from one of my favorite all-time movies, parenthood..."You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

a parent raises his/her children. one who does not is a parent in title only, certainly not by deed. and greg is right, it isn't all happy times and roses. matter of fact, merv asked about rewards and headaches...you will never be so scared in your life, as when you are scared for your kids if they are a half hour late. or when they are sick. or brokenhearted. but we cope by selective memory. don't let all these nice stories suggest it is all fun or easy. it isn't. but every effort put forth making your children feel loved and safe is worth more than all the gold in the world.

i wrote an essay years back, in a creative writing class, about raising children that my teacher tried to get published. i was very flattered, but it was just not to be, too long. i should find that...

[mervap]

i wrote an essay years back, in a creative writing class, about raising children that my teacher tried to get published. i was very flattered, but it was just not to be, too long. i should find that...

Please do....that would be a fascinating read. I saved a good number of my "creative writing" assignments and found that my feelings on a number of things had changed dramatically. I used to be a good bit more "conservative" than I am now, and I think that is going to serve me in good stead these days, allowing me to "not sweat the small stuff". Plus, my best friend Doug, guitarist in my band, has proven to be a valuable rescource in this endeavour, having had two kids.

[mervap]

i wrote an essay years back, in a creative writing class, about raising children that my teacher tried to get published. i was very flattered, but it was just not to be, too long. i should find that...

Any luck finding that?

[oldasSoul]

LC & Merv, I'm very impressed! You've set yourselves quite a task there, and it sounds like you're well equipped for the challenge.

Those of us who have kids are lucky enough to have been eased into the whole thing, whereas you guys are jumping in mid-stream. Sort of like the difference between learning to swim gradually - shallow end to start - where you've jumped into the deep end! That should be the definition of courage and heroism. You both must have quite a pair of cojones.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you undertake this exciting new stage of your lives. Yes, there will be challenges, tears and heartaches, but also great joy, laughter and pride. It sounds like the two of you have an excellent outlook on this process, as well as a level of maturity and experience that will only help to raise decent, loving and confident children.

If you ever feel at a loss, I'm sure that the parents on this forum would be happy to give you any tips we've discovered. Or you could just watch Dog Whisperer and adapt Cesar's techniques to the kids. I often think that if we'd had the dog first, the kids would be more obedient.