"Neediness"

[Derek]

I learned a painful truth this past week. One of the main reason's whyi started to get my hopes back up about finding a wife again is because i keep hearing about the more accepting culture of Mexico. Especialy around the Yuccatan where i live in Cozumel. So with that i naturally assumed that Mexican women will accept me more than American because the culture is not as "spoiled". Well it turned out that just like in the U.S.A.,  a woman needs a man thats more "confident" and not "needy". Neediness in a man is just as unattractive in Mexico as it is in the U.S.A. Here's something i was reading on the "Needy Guy"
"He is overly emotional and shares all his feelings with her right away. The Needy Guy also doubts himself and needs constant reassurance about his relationship, work and friendships.
Why he is so unappealing: Confidence and independence are very sexy traits in a man -- insecurity and dependence are not. Most women look for a strong partner they can lean on. So if you are always leaning on her -- especially in the early stages of a relationship -- she might doubt your ability to do this. And since women tend to come into relationships with all sorts of insecurities, she won't want to deal with yours as well as her own.
What to do if you're that guy: Timing is everything, so you just need to keep your feelings in check at the beginning of the relationship. Try to hold off on sharing all your feelings or divulging your insecurities. Once you are far enough along in the relationship, you can share as much as you want. By that point, she'll appreciate knowing what's on your mind."
The sad thing is that described me to a tee. All the years i worked hard in trying to change that but never could.
Anyrate, i want to leave with a song that describes what women throughout the years have really been saying to me. Jim's talking to a woman here but alter the words where the woman is talking to the man.

[Greg]

You are a very good person.  Very interesting.  I would appreciate my daughter dating someone like you in a heartbeat. 

Maybe you could go into something with the intention of just wanting to spend time together and hang out.  No pressure or neediness.

Many guys act like idiots when trying to date someone.  I did.  I am basically an idiot in so many ways but found someone.

You shouldn't give up.

[2 of 3]

Yeah, that's one of the problems when you have some insecurities...you meet somebody and you put all that stuff up front right away as some sort of warning. Here's what I think are all my faults....don't say I didn't warn you. We all do it...well I do anyway. Meeting the right person is really tough. The thing you can never do is try and turn the wrong person into the right person. It is what it is.

[Greg]

Croce's guitarist is incredible btw.

[Kylenz]

Yeah it's a tragic irony of one's masculinity that to be completely upfront and honest from the outset will see you as weak in a woman's eyes; whereas if you are deceptive and hide stuff from her that could potentially pose problems later on, then she's okay with that - provided you're also confident and alpha-maley (in other words, everything I'm not).

I feel your pain, man. I don't want to change who I am just to please someone else, they should appreciate you for who you are and for actually being open as you can be. Forgive my topsy-turvy view of the world, but I see that openness as a strength of a man. Whereas you get these guys screwed up on drugs and always drinking and partying and they have no problem getting dates, with ladies that surely deserve better. And you shrug your shoulders and think *why*?

And the answer's just like you say - it's simple chemistry.. human nature. If you're out of step with it for any reason, then it's a rough rocky lonely road ahead. I wish I had some words of comfort, but I don't. I'm in the same boat, and some days it all seems so hopeless. When you think of the ones who you thought loved you but they didn't, just makes you think how fake everything is. You have to fake who you are to make it, unfortunately.

[chris]

hey derek, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? you seem young. and eager. chill. take a breath. and stop trying to rush things.

keep in mind that when you meet a girl, you don't want to appear right away as if you want to marry her, or bed her...just as if you'ld like to spend the next 10 minutes talking to her, nothing more. and do not use any pick up lines. girls see right thru that. is that a mirror in your pants? because i can see myself in them. that doesn't work. unless you are james bond. and even then, they are just in it for the microfilm. try the tried and true...hi, my name is...ask her about herself. and listen to what she has to say. girls like guys who listen. you don't have to give up all of your details, if she asks, answer her...and be honest. but you don't have to go into every detail. remember, you are looking for just 10 minutes. if that goes well, maybe you'll get another 10, you'll have more chances to tell her things that round. and so on. 

confidence will happen in time. so will self esteem. without self esteem, you have nothing. remember, nothing anyone can say or do can affect your self esteem. it is about how you feel about your self. walk tall. feel good about what you say. or at least pretend to feel good about it, because no one can tell the difference. and believe that you don't need anyone to make you happy. be happy with who you are and what you do have. if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't like yourself, why should anyone else? work on that self esteem, brother. it will happen in time. i promise.

[Derek]

hey derek, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? you seem young. and eager. chill. take a breath. and stop trying to rush things.

keep in mind that when you meet a girl, you don't want to appear right away as if you want to marry her, or bed her...just as if you'ld like to spend the next 10 minutes talking to her, nothing more. and do not use any pick up lines. girls see right thru that. is that a mirror in your pants? because i can see myself in them. that doesn't work. unless you are james bond. and even then, they are just in it for the microfilm. try the tried and true...hi, my name is...ask her about herself. and listen to what she has to say. girls like guys who listen. you don't have to give up all of your details, if she asks, answer her...and be honest. but you don't have to go into every detail. remember, you are looking for just 10 minutes. if that goes well, maybe you'll get another 10, you'll have more chances to tell her things that round. and so on. 

confidence will happen in time. so will self esteem. without self esteem, you have nothing. remember, nothing anyone can say or do can affect your self esteem. it is about how you feel about your self. walk tall. feel good about what you say. or at least pretend to feel good about it, because no one can tell the difference. and believe that you don't need anyone to make you happy. be happy with who you are and what you do have. if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't like yourself, why should anyone else? work on that self esteem, brother. it will happen in time. i promise.

I'm a 41 Y O virgin by curcumstance.
I just don't want to live on false hope. i was led to believe by someone who i thought was a friend that Mexican women would be more accepting of me than American woman. He even had me on a date with a beautiful Mexican woman who didnt speak any spanish. only 2 dates then she had to move. So he tried to hook me up with another she wasn't interested so what di he do next...he tried to fix us a trip for me , him and another friend of his to Cancuun to get me a hooker...GEE, THANX FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, SO-CALLED "BUDDY"! he was was also living in the 3rd floor loft of our house, me, mom and my sister and her husband, but only me and my mom were there) He wasnt paying any rent, instead he was supposed to do chores and maintenence around the house. he turned out to be a thief and conman to my mom and lier to me. There was a big fight between him and my mom before he left and he finally admitted that i could never have a girlfriend as long as i live with my mom. My mom threw him out.
However that experiance with that one woman gave me confidence that i could attract women. So tried a couple of times to meet and attract. i met another attractive Mexican/Jamacian 24 Y O woman. (Her Mom is Mexican and her Dad is Jamacian) I know her mom. I met her first. She does know a little english and she's learning. I took her to see the movie "Super 8" in spanish, because she said she wanted to see it. I payed for her tickets and popcorn and stuff. She said she likes horror films. she and i went with the pastor's 2 sons. his wife dropped us off. this is something that never happened to me. And i did it without any help. However that was 3 weeks ago, and i didn't hear from her since. I gave my phone number but... no reply
And then i met this other woman at the Hard Rock Cafe. She seemed interested and very friendly we exchanged Facebook addresses I friended and gave her a message asking if i could take her out sometime....no reply. 2 days later i went to the Hard Rock Cafe and she introduced me to her boyfriend. Why didnt she tell me that when we first met?? So all in all my experiance from last year with those "dates" (BTW. my "friend" sat in with us on the dates to translate our dialouge to each other, remeber spoke no english) gave me hope alright...FALSE hope. Come to think of it. My "friend" did say he "fixed everything up" and sent in a good word to me to that woman (who spoke no english, my "friend" was bilingual) that way i see it now, he probley gave her some sob story about me and made her feel sorry for me and decided to go out on a "date" with me. When i look back on it now, that whole thing did have a phoney atmosphere to it. But whatever it was, it gave me the confidence i needed to try and meet women again. Now i know it was a futile confidence.

[Derek]

BTW, i have been taking a spanish class for about a year now, so i am learning spanish. i just forgot to mention that fact. i just can't remember every little thing when i post something like this.

[lampie1970]

Chris, can i clone you? lol...momma prolly doesnt want two of you hanging around, but you know....

I just want to say for the record, when people are meeting other people for the first time, and lets say it is to find a possible romantic connection, but anytime really, they are nervous. People HATE rejection. The only people that arent a little nervous when they meet other people are either in denial or so arrogant that they think they are God's gift. We all want to be accepted on some kind of level.

I like Chris' advice about talking to a woman. Don't think: would she object to living with me and my mom? how many kids does she want? start smaller: whats her favorite music? color? If you show interest, in a platonic way first, it will ease a woman into trusting you. thats what you want first. friendship and trust. then, build from there. If it becomes more, then you have a girlfriend. If not, then you have a friend, thats a girl,  that has other friends that are girls!! and she could introduce you to them...

I will not lie. There are some really nasty women out there (no no no...i dont mean in the "good" way here...). Stone Cold Biatches. They will chew you up and spit you out and move on to the next just like breakfast lunch and dinner. You have to get good, or better at least, at spotting the users. its not easy, and you will make a mistake once in a while..but users are users, and it has nothing to do with how nice YOU are. And it has nothing to do with your self worth. So, dont let those use em and leave em situations get you down. Trust me, they are miserable people and what comes around goes around one way or another.

I KNOW that you are a nice guy Derek. You are extremely thoughtful and humble. You need someone that is the same: nice, thoughtful and humble. I am rooting for you every day!!

[Derek]

Thanxalot! Sorry i don't talk much on Facebook. It seems everytime i even sense what could be a rejection, i get in a dark brooding and start listening to Doors' music. Jim Morrison seems to tap into that depression to what i always feel whenever i feel rejected These are the 2 Doors' songs i listen to whenever i get in that mood:


the more i get rejected, the more Jim seems to "welcome" me.

[chris]

Derek, you seem like a good guy. A sweetheart, in fact. You don't need anyone to make you happy. You don't need anyone period. Your happiness and well being is not reliant on someone else. Never has. Never will be. You have to understand that. Once you find inner happiness (what am I, a Tabetan monk? Or worse, Yoda?) You'll be much better off. Find it. Its there. Like who you are. It'll be so much easier for others to like you.

And stop listening to Jim Morrison. You don't need a depression buddy.

[Derek]

And stop listening to Jim Morrison. You don't need a depression buddy.
[/quote]

HEY! I am the Lizard King, i can do anything!

[Kylenz]

And stop listening to Jim Morrison. You don't need a depression buddy.

HEY! I am the Lizard King, i can do anything!
[/quote]

One of the happier Doors tracks!! 

[Derek]

Well, i was thinking. Just for the heck of it for each woman that rejects me as a "boyfriend", "lover" "eventual husband", i will send the poem (lyrics) of "The Severed Garden" and then leave her be.

"Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South
Cruel bindings.
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors

I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the tv
Tower, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed.

They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
Claws

No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law.

I will not go
Prefer a feast of friends
To the giant family."

[2 of 3]

Here you go. :)